Monday, September 14, 2009

What Centrelink and Advertising have in common.

It was a payroll Monday today, which generally means I take a late lunch and treat myself to some takeaway (Generally McDonalds because a) It's about the only close takeaway and b) Subway doesn't count as takeaway because it's actually vaguely healthy).

Half-way through my first bite of my Mighty "totally not Mc" Angus Burger I remembered I'd have beef for lunch and so really should have ordered chicken but half-way through that I was distracted yet again by the advertising slogan for what I was eating (just in case I'd forgotten and had needed to look at the box to remind myself): "A little bit fancy."

It struck me as a very odd slogan in most respects, and rather lacking in commitment. It seemed to be telling that the burger I had ordered was special, nicer than the usual common fare one might find in a take away franchise of this calibre. But not too much. Just a little bit. Cause, you know, some people don't like fancy food (potentially quite likely if you're eating in a McDonalds), and we wouldn't want to alienate them. So it's a little bit fancy, possibly, if that's ok.

Sometimes I kind of wish that advertising would shed it's pretence of sophistication and just get down to the actual message, so instead of slogans like "A Little Bit Fancy", we would have "Everyone should buy this right now," or possibly more interestingly "Buy it or I'll break your kneecaps."

It was about this point that I nearly choked on the half bite of burger that my flight of whimsy had prevented me from swallowing, and drew a very odd look from the lady sitting next to me. I considered telling her I had been philosophising, and asking her if she liked food that was a little bit fancy, but I doubt it would have improved matters.

After I got my breath back I remembered an ad I had spotted a couple of weeks earlier that had struck me in a similar nature. It was for a bank, and had the catchy but incomprehensible slogan "Savings - It's the new spending."

No, no it's not.

Saving is the new spending is about the same as saying that Aardvarks are the new Potatoes, and makes about as much sense, although the thought occurs that I found a bank that had the slogan "Aardvarks are the new Potatoes" I would probably sign up based on the novelty alone. I did a brief google search to see if there was a bank named Tatervarks, but for now it looks like I'll need to stay with my current Financial storage facility. I would also sign up for a bank if it had the slogan "Bank with us - Or We'll Break Your Kneecaps" but fortunately I haven't found one of those either.

On my way back from my fine dining establishment my mind decided to bring up the oft-told but still amusing tale of the first (and for obvious reasons, only) time I applied for youth allowance from the government. I can't find much of a connection between advertising and youth allowance except a) they're both mired in bureaucracy, and b) they're both just plain weird.

Anyway, I was 18 at the time, freshly graduation from high school, and had decided to take a year off before going to university to get a job and living a little. I did this by not finding a job and sitting at home being bored. May arrived, the job hadn't, and I decided in the meantime I should head down to my local Centrelink and get myself some spending money. I looked around on their website but couldn't find any form of online application, so decided to head down and apply in person.

I walked in the front door and said I'd like to apply for youth allowance of some kind. "Certainly" replied the receptionist, "have you considered Newstart Allowance? It's a youth allowance of some kind."

Perfect, I thought, so we started the application.

"Are you over 18? Because if you're over 18 you can get Newstart Allowance, look, it says so on this pamphlet!" she said, and handed me one. It did indeed say that if I were over 18, then Newstart was the Allowance for youth like me. Perfect, I again thought. "Excellent!" said the receptionist, really getting into it now. "Then all you need to do is ring Centrelink's call centre and apply over the phone. I'll get you set up with a phone."

Behind the receptionist, Centrelink's call centre buzzed with activity.

I looked quizzically backed at the receptionist, but she didn't seem to see any problem with phoning a call centre a mere 5 metres away, and they were offering me free money, so I didn't complaint. Maybe that's how things were done. She set up with a phone and I dialled the call centre number and waited.

"Hello, welcome to Centrelink," came the voice on the line. I didn't have the heart to tell them I was already at Centrelink, and in all possibility we were in the same room, and merely requested to sign up for Newstart Allowance.

"No worries, I'll just open up our website and fill out an online application for you."

So there I was. Inside Centrelink. Phoning Centrelink. Who were opening up Centrelink's website for me.

It was at this point that alarm bells were starting to ring, but I figured it was just someone breaking into a shop next door and pushed on with the application.

"Are you over 18?" I checked the pamphlet again.

I replied that indeed I was, and that I'd heard that Newstart allowance was for youth like me.

"Oh it is," they confirmed.

I finished off the application, and was told they'd be in contact to arrange an interview. All well and good.

About two days before the actual interview my mother rang Centrelink on an unrelated matter, and mentioned in passing that her son was applying for Newstart Allowance.

"Oh so he's over 21, is he?" came the reply.

My mother very calmly said goodbye and came and found me. That's not right, I thought, and went and checked the pamphlet.

I found out two important facts. First, that Newstart Allowance was valid for anyone over 18. Second, that the pamphlet was valid for anyone reading it before April 1998.

It's worth pointing out that at this stage it was June 2002.

I went into the centre to tell them that I wouldn't be attending the interview.

"Why not?" asked the receptionist, surprised and slightly angered. I politely explained that Centrelink had offered me a cover that I wouldn't be eligible to get for another three years.

"No, I can't cancel the interview, it's too short notice," she explained. "You'll have to go to the interview and tell them you're not going."

Yes.

I considered asking if I could borrow a phone so I could ring Centrelink and ask them to cancel online for me, but decided I really had lost the energy to be flippant, so merely told her "No," and left.

Doing some research online later, it turns out that my parents earned too much money for me to be eligible for any kind of youth allowance anyway.

Get a job kids, so you don't have to talk to Centrelink

Or they'll break your kneecaps.

7 comments:

  1. Yeah. Centrlink rocks! I'm over 21 and I'm looking for a job, having recently been made redundant, but I can't get Newstart Allowance either, cos my wife earns too much, even though we have 2 dependent children. Who would have thought you'd hear that phrase - 'Teachers earn too much.' And we pay taxes...why?

    P.S. Interesting piece, Sam.

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  2. And speaking of fish...what's happened to the black-glassed crusader? It's been over a year Sam! And I'm dying to finally know the truth about Phil's assistant.

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  3. Teacher's earn too much? Really? Wow. Times have changed. Maybe I should give that teaching thing a go after all.

    Thanks! :)

    P.S. the black shaded knight shall be returning, most likely early this year once I've had a chance to jugggle things back into place/teach myself illustrator. Sadly Paint Shop Pro is still killing my computer so no new comics can be made until I'm proficient in illustrator/photoshop. :(

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  4. Have you tried turning it off and ... etc

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  5. Oh I don't have to. And try and use paint shop pro, and it turns the computer on and off for me! Now that's service.

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  6. "the black shaded knight shall be returning, most likely early this year..."??? Last time I looked September was the ninth month, which I sort of know cos its my birth month and all. So just when does the 'end of the year' start in that dark, twisted crustacean that sits inside your head, Sam? mmmm?

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  7. er, I was using 'this' in the... latin sense. Yeah that's it.

    This, in latin, means, um, 'next'.

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